What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize