Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
