around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
