You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
