why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
