I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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