He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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