Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
false alarm, still single
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
