all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
