Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
