I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
