yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
