I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
