I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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