making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
