I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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