Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
