Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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