Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
