Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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