The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
