my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Boobs are out for the taking
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
