Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
