if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize