I wish I could teleport
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
