remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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