I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
