I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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