Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
