You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
