It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
