that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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