Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
