My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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