I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
