Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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