We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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