Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
