There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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