Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize