I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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