Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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