i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
