My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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