I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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