I just cut my nipple shaving
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Alive.
So much puke
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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