I think my fart just growled at me.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
