And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I hate all girls vehemently.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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