Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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