i don't like sucking hair
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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