I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
