i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
