well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
All the doctor said was why
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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