this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
