He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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