ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
