He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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