gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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